IN A LAUNDROMAT:

Automatic Washing Machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE:

Bargain Basement is upstairs

IN AN OFFICE:

Will the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back, or further steps will be taken.

IN ANOTHER OFFICE:

After tea break is over, please wash the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.

OUTSIDE A FARM:

Horse manure, 50 pence per pre-packed bag; 20 pence do-it-yourself.

ON A CHURCH DOOR:

This is the gate of Heaven, enter all ye through this door.  (This door is kept locked because of draft,  please use side door.)

ENGLISH SIGN ON A GERMAN CAFE:

Mothers, Please Wash Your Hans Before Eating.

SECOND-HAND SHOP:

We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines, etc. Why not bring your wife along & get a wonderful bargain?

ON A NEW TOWN HALL TO BE OPENED BY THE PRINCE OF WALES:

The Town Hall is closed until opening. It will be remain closed after being opened. Open tomorrow.

PHOTOGRAPHER'S STUDIO:

Out for lunch. If not back by five, out for dinner also.

AT THE SIDE OF A SUSSEX ROAD:

Slow cattle crossing. No overtaking for the next 100 yrs.

OUTSIDE A DISCO:

Smarts is the most exclusive disco in town. Everyone welcome.

 

WARNING: Quicksand. Anyone passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.

NOTICE TO THE RESIDENCE OF THE WILTSHIRE PARISH:

Due to increasing problems with litter, louts & vandals, we must ask everyone with relatives buried in the graveyard to do their best to keep them in order.

DRY CLEANERS WINDOW:

Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.

ON A MOTORWAY GARAGE:

Please do not smoke near our petrol pumps. Your life may not be worth much, but our petrol is.

HEALTH FOOD SHOP:

Closed due to illness.

SAFARI PARK:

Elephants please stay in your car.

CONFERENCE:

For anyone who has children & doesn't know it, there is a day-care on the first floor.

FIELD:

The farmer allows walkers across the field for free, but the bull charges.

HANDBILL:

If you do not know how to read,  this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.

REPAIR SHOP:

We repair anything. (Knock hard on the door -- the bell doesn't work.)

NORFOLK FARM GATE:

Beware!  I shoot every 10th trespasser & the 9th one just left.

LONDON OFFICE BUILDING:

Toilet out of order, please use floor below.

 

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